I grew up in Russia then immediately moved to Hebrew school in Queens. Dystopia is my middle name.

— Heard at the Gary Shteyngart book reading, by Gary Shteyngart

"I think it happened around the time when everyone in Europe was persecuting the Jews, or what have you."

— Heard at Umi Sake House

"I used my Jewish superpower and found a great deal on new bookshelves."

— Heard at In The Bowl Vegetarian Noodle Bistro

"I guess I've just never given much thought to what rodent I'd want to be reincarnated as."

— Heard at Capitol Hill

"Is all of this fake bacon offensive to your people?"

— Heard at Archie McPhee

"I wrote these books. Would you like me to sign them for you?"

— Heard at Ravenna Third Place Books

"I like to describe myself as a Jewish Bob Vila."

— Heard at Mighty-O Donuts

"When we were in Iowa, we saw real Jews. I was so excited!"

— Heard at my apartment

"My grandmother would have hated this deli. Far too many non-Jews here."

— Heard at Roxy's Diner

"Statistically, there just aren't that many Jewish strippers."

— Heard at Pine Street

"You two are practically the same person. You're both Jewish and you're both hilarious."

— Heard at Gasworks Park

"It's been well over a month since the last Jewish holiday...shouldn't something festive be coming up again soon?"

— Heard at The Ave.

"I'd like lox a lot better if they, you know, actually cooked the fish."

— Heard at Glo's

"I can't think of anything more important right now than eating this bagel."

— Heard at my kitchen

"During Passover, it's not kosher to eat bread. But it is kosher to eat pork, just to switch things up."

— Heard at the Jew-ish.com office